And how they became the foundation of everything I now teach.
There was a moment, and maybe you’ve had one like this, where everything in me said, “I can’t keep doing this.“
My child was in deep burnout.
I was in burnout.
And nothing I tried was working anymore.
The strategies that were meant to help only seemed to make things worse. Rules, limits, “Positive” reinforcement. All the tools that had once been handed to me, or maybe even forced into my hands, suddenly felt like pressure, like noise.
My child was shutting down. I was breaking down.
So I stopped.
I stopped pushing.
I stopped fixing.
I stopped trying to be the parent I thought I was supposed to be.
And in that quiet, the space after letting go, something else started to emerge.
Slowly.
Tenderly.
Often through grief, sometimes through grace.
Over time, seven clear lessons took shape. Seven truths that would become the foundation for how I live, parent, and support other families today.
I now call them The Seven Pillars of my work, and they are the heart of everything I do inside my work, especially in my membership, From Burnout to Balance. But more than that, they are a map I want to share with you, because I believe they can hold your story, too.
Pillar One: Nervous System Safety
Nothing changes without safety.
This was the first and most foundational shift. I had to stop focusing on behaviour and start looking underneath, at what was going on in the nervous system.
My child didn’t need more structure or stricter boundaries. They needed co-regulation, softness and space to feel safe in their body and in our connection. And because a family is a nervous system ecosystem, I had to learn to regulate myself before I could offer that to them.
I also discovered through my own nervous system work that I could only shift my parenting approach to the level that my nervous system felt safe with. Finding ways to support my nervous system became a priority. This ‘ahha’ moment allowed me to have compassion for myself when I made mistakes and found change hard.
Pillar Two: Low-Demand Parenting
We didn’t heal by pushing through.
Pushing through is what got us into burnout in the first place.
We healed when we stopped asking so much of ourselves, when we dropped expectations that no longer served us.
Low-demand parenting isn’t about “giving up”; it’s about intentionally choosing rest, honouring capacity, and creating space for nervous system recovery. For us, it was the difference between surviving and starting to breathe again.
Pillar Three: Community-Centred Support
When my daughter went into burnout, our whole world shrank – I felt so alone.
And I know I’m not the only one.
Burnout can be so isolating, especially when others don’t understand or try to minimise what you’re going through. We as parents undergo a deep transformation in this process alongside our children that can leave us feeling vulnerable and even alien in our friendship and family circles.
It was so hard to feel confident and to sustain the gains we were making at home due to my new approach to parenting, because it honestly felt like it was me against the world at times.
What changed everything was finding a space where I didn’t have to explain or justify. Where I could be witnessed. Seen. Held. That’s the kind of community I now build for other parents, because we were never meant to do this alone.
Pillar Four: Reparenting (Parent Identity)
Einstein said,
You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.
Through this parenting journey, I realised I couldn’t parent my child differently until I began healing myself.
I had to reparent the parts of me that had learned to shame myself for being “too much” or “too sensitive.”
I had to make peace with the version of myself that didn’t know what she didn’t know.
This work is tender, but it’s powerful. And it’s ongoing. Every time I extend compassion to myself, I create more space to show up with love and presence for my child.
Pillar Five: Practical Neuro-Affirming Resources
Most parenting advice doesn’t fit us.
It either ignores neurodivergence entirely or offers tools that feel shaming and unrealistic.
What I needed at the time was real-world, neuro-affirming tools, not quick fixes, but sustainable strategies rooted in understanding, validation, and respect.
That’s what I now create and share, because every family deserves support that actually fits.
Pillar Six: Repair and Reconnection
In parenting, perfection is never the goal.
I like most parents have made mistakes. I still do.
What I have learned is that rupture is not failure, it’s an invitation to repair. Every time I come back with honesty, humility, and love, I show my child that relationships can be safe even when things are messy.
That’s powerful medicine for both of us.
Pillar Seven: The Soul Layer
There is something deeper beneath it all.
I don’t always have the language for it, but I feel it in every moment of grief, every breakthrough, every whisper of truth that rises when I slow down, I feel a reconnection to myself and the deeper meaning of things.
Parenting through burnout cracked me open in a way that no other experience in my life ever has, and somehow, in the mess, something sacred took root. This isn’t just about parenting. It’s about healing. About coming home to ourselves.
It’s about love.
Francis Weller talks about this in his book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief
“At times, grief invites us into a terrain that reduces us to our most naked self. We find it hard to meet the day, to accomplish the smallest of tasks, to tolerate the greetings of others. We feel estranged from the world and only marginally able to navigate the necessities of eating, sleeping, and self-care. Some other presence takes over in times of intense grief, and we are humbled, brought to our knees. We live close to the ground, the gravity of sorrow felt deep in our bones.”
These seven lessons changed everything for me, my family and the way that we show up for each other.
They didn’t come from a textbook. They came from real life, from trial and error, from falling down and getting back up, from listening deeply and choosing again and again to lead with love.
If you’re somewhere in the middle of it, the grief, the overwhelm, the fear that maybe you’re not doing enough, I want you to know:
You’re not alone.
You’re not broken.
And you’re already doing more than you think.
These pillars are the heart of my membership From Burnout to Balance, a soft place to land, designed for parents just like you. If you’re ready for support that’s affirming, gentle, and grounded in lived experience, I’d love to welcome you inside.
Until then, keep going.
Keep softening.
Keep holding space for the parent you are becoming.
With you, always.
Tanya 💛
The Person Who Wrote This Blog
Hi, I’m Tanya Valentin, an AuDHD parent, family coach, author, and podcaster. I guide parents of Autistic and ADHD kids through burnout recovery using a neuro-affirming, trauma-informed approach.
As a parent of three autistic teens, I know firsthand how isolating and exhausting this journey can be. That’s why I created From Burnout to Balance, a space where parents can find real, practical answers to help their child recover from burnout and a supportive community, so no parent has to navigate it alone.
