Parenting a neurodivergent child or teen can be challenging, but when your child is in autistic burnout, the pressure can feel relentless.
Burnout impacts the entire family, and the sheer weight of managing it all can leave parents feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Understanding these pressures and addressing them is crucial for your child’s recovery and your own well-being.
The Many Layers of Pressure on Parents
Parenting a child in burnout means navigating a seemingly endless list of responsibilities and emotional hurdles. The pressure comes at us from all angles, and it can feel overwhelming as we try to keep our heads above water and manage everything.
If you are a parent who is currently navigating autistic burnout alongside your child, the following pressures will feel really familiar to you:
Juggling All the ‘Things’
From life’s regular admin—bills, emails, keeping up with everyone’s schedules and keeping everyone fed and alive —to the added complexity of advocating for your child and all the appointments you need to attend and paperwork you need to fill out. The to-do list can feel insurmountable.
The Pressure of Your Own Stuff
Your trauma, stress, mental health struggles, beliefs, fears, and shame all bubble to the surface when life is turned upside down. On top of managing your child’s needs, you’re forced to confront your feelings about everything unravelling. It is little wonder that many parents risk burning out themselves or report experiencing PTSD from this experience.
Financial Strain
Burnout can make maintaining regular routines difficult. Your child may need around-the-clock care, and this means that you, like many parents, may find that you have to reduce your work hours or give up work. These changes in your ability to work can affect finances, long-term plans as well as family dynamics and your sense of self-worth and purpose as a person.
Pressure from Systems, Family, and Society
From schools demanding attendance to extended family misunderstanding the situation, parents often feel judged and unsupported. Co-parenting struggles can add another layer of tension.
Pressure from Your Child
Parents often feel the heavy responsibility of protecting their children from pressure while supporting recovery. The majority of children in burnout rely heavily on having a safe person to co-regulate with, which is exhausting and invisible work. Making your nervous system available to your child 24/7 can put a huge strain on your well-being as a parent.
The Hidden Pressure on Children
The pressure doesn’t just stop with us as parents. Our children often feel under significant pressure, too, during burnout (more than we would think).
Autistic burnout happens when a child must constantly adapt to overwhelming stress with insufficient resources or support. While parents often adjust obvious expectations like chores or school attendance, hidden stressors can persist, delaying recovery.
Here are some of the pressures children face during burnout recovery:
The Pressure to ‘Get Better‘
Children often face an unspoken expectation to recover quickly so they can return to school or other activities. This pressure—whether stated outright or implied—can deeply hinder their recovery process. Adding to this is the emotional weight of their own traumatic memories of school. For many children, the idea of returning to the environment that contributed to their burnout feels overwhelming and terrifying.
To put this into perspective, imagine leaving a toxic work environment so harmful that it left you physically and emotionally unwell, unable to get out of bed. Now, imagine someone encouraging you to get better—but only so you could return to that same toxic workplace and face the same harm again. That’s the reality many children in burnout are navigating when faced with the prospect of returning to school.
For many children recovering from Autistic Burnout, their healing can only truly start when the pressure to go back to school is completely dropped.
As Dr Naomi Fisher says, “You can’t use pressure and anxiety to stop someone from feeling anxious and pressured.”
The Emotional Weight of Parental Worry
Many children pick up on their parents’ anxieties and emotions, interpreting them as their fault. This can create a cycle of masking difficulties, further draining their limited resources.
‘Fake’ Demand Drops
According to author, Amanda Diekman, when parents drop a demand but maintain an underlying expectation, children sense that the demand hasn’t really been dropped and they still feel the pressure of it.
For example, removing screen limits but expecting the child to self-regulate their screen use as per the parent’s expectation creates ongoing pressure.
Comparison and Praise
Comparisons—whether to siblings, peers, or the child’s pre-burnout self—can increase shame and stress. Even well-meaning praise of others can unintentionally add pressure.
Subtle Forms of Pressure
Questions, reminders, or comments can unintentionally ramp up pressure. Phrases like “Have you thought about doing…” or “You used to love…” imply expectations. Negative remarks about their interests can make children feel judged.
How to Support Recovery
To facilitate recovery from autistic burnout, the goal is to reduce as much pressure as possible and increase support. Here are key strategies:
- Eliminate Obvious and Hidden Stressors: Adjust both explicit demands and subtle expectations.
- Avoid Imperative Language: Phrases that imply “should” or comparisons can intensify pressure.
- Provide a Pressure-Free Environment: Allow your child the space to rest and recharge without expectations.
- Be Trauma-Informed: Understand that your child is navigating an emotional and physical recovery process that requires compassion and patience.
Why Parents Need Support
Parenting neurodivergent children can be really challenging for many reasons. Research carried out by Boston University found that many parents of autistic children experienced levels of stress similar to that of combat soldiers. (bu.edu)
Parenting a child in burnout is one of the most emotionally draining and toughest experiences any parent can experience.
The pressure doesn’t just affect your child—it affects your ability to parent from a place of calm and connection. Remember to keep just how hard you are working, and keep your expectations of yourself realistic and manageable.
Working through your own stress, trauma, and fears and treating yourself with self-compassion is critical to supporting your child’s recovery. A trauma-informed lens recognizes the weight you carry and helps you navigate it with empathy and care for yourself.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Research has shown that parents who are part of a parent-to-parent support group have less stress, anxiety and depression and greater levels of resilience, optimism, belonging and emotional support. (nih.gov)
Our program, Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery, provides the support, tools, and community you need to lighten the load and help your child recover.
Join us today to transform your family’s journey through burnout into one of healing and connection.
Join us today with our 14-FREE Trial
Learn More About Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery Here.
References
https://www.bu.edu/autismconnections/files/2011/03/AAA-Report-14.pdf
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-flourishing-family/202109/autism-and-maternal-stress
Low-Demand Parenting: Dropping Demands, Restoring Calm, and Finding Connection with your Uniquely Wired Child – Amanda Diekman (Jessica Kingsley) 2023.
Tanya Valentin is an AuDHD person, mum of three, family coach, author and podcaster.
She specialises in guiding parents of Autistic & ADHD children and teens through burnout recovery.
She is an educator/coach with 25 years of experience working with children and families.
She is the founder of the Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery program for parents and the host of the Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Together podcast.
Tanya’s work combines education, emotional support, and practical strategies, reflecting her commitment to helping families create sustainable, connected relationships during difficult times.
Need support? Book a FREE 30-minute call with Tanya
