If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, chances are you’ve been told at some point that “consistency is key.”
Therapists, teachers, and even well-meaning friends and family may have advised you that setting firm, consistent expectations will help your child learn, behave, and adapt. But what if I told you that this advice is not only outdated but also deeply ableist?
For neurodivergent children—especially Autistic and ADHD kids—capacity is not fixed. It fluctuates based on many internal and external factors. Demanding consistency from a child whose abilities, energy, and regulation shift daily isn’t just unrealistic—it’s harmful. Instead of rigid consistency, we should be prioritizing predictability with flexibility.
Let’s break down why the “be consistent” advice fails neurodivergent kids and what we can do instead.
Consistency Assumes Capacity is Fixed—But It’s Not
The core issue with insisting on consistency is that it assumes a child’s capacity—their ability to engage, self-regulate, and complete tasks—stays the same day after day. But for neurodivergent kids, their capacity is highly variable due to factors like:
- Internal demands: Sensory processing, emotional regulation, executive function, and interoception (body awareness) all impact how much a child can handle on any given day.
- External demands: School, social interactions, noise, routines, and even the unpredictability of daily life can deplete energy.
- Health and well-being: Sleep, diet, illness, and co-occurring conditions (like anxiety or chronic pain) can significantly impact a child’s ability to function.
A child who could handle brushing their teeth independently yesterday might completely shut down today due to sensory overload, lack of sleep, or an overwhelming day at school. If we rigidly enforce “consistency,” we ignore these very real fluctuations and set our children up for failure.
According to Dr Ross Greene (Author of The Explosive Child)
“Kids do well if they can.”
This aligns with the idea that children are not intentionally being inconsistent but are struggling with varying capacity. Instead of demanding consistency, we should focus on understanding what’s getting in the way.
Neurodivergent Kids Have a Naturally Smaller Window of Tolerance
Every person has a window of tolerance—the amount of stress or stimulation they can handle before becoming dysregulated. Neurodivergent kids typically have a narrower window, meaning it takes less for them to feel overwhelmed (Dr Daniel Siegel)
This means:
- What they could tolerate one day may be too much the next.
- Unexpected changes, demands, or stressors can quickly push them past their threshold.
- They may have fewer adaptive resources to manage stress and regulate emotions.
If we focus only on “being consistent,” we fail to acknowledge that their baseline is not the same as a neurotypical child’s. Instead, we need to attune to their changing needs and adjust expectations accordingly.
“When children are met with empathy, they develop the ability to regulate their emotions more effectively.” Dr. Daniel Siegel (Neuropsychiatrist, Co-Author of The Whole-Brain Child)
The Demand for Consistency Ignores the Importance of Support
Consistency-based parenting strategies often place all responsibility on the child, assuming they can just try harder, push through discomfort, or learn to meet expectations with enough reinforcement. But support plays a crucial role in whether a child can engage in a task or activity.
Neurodivergent children often need adjusted support levels based on their energy, emotional state, and external stressors. This means:
- Some days they may need more co-regulation before they can engage.
- Other days, they may need less direct involvement as they build autonomy.
- Their ability to complete a task independently one day doesn’t mean they can do it the next—and that’s okay.
“A child’s behaviors are not problems to solve, but signals to be understood.” Dr. Mona Delahooke (Clinical Psychologist & Author of Beyond Behaviors)
Rather than forcing consistency, we should be asking, “What does my child need in this moment to be successful?”
Predictability is the Key—Not Rigid Consistency
So if rigid consistency isn’t the answer, what is? Predictability with flexibility.
Neurodivergent children thrive on knowing what to expect, but they also need the grace to adjust when their capacity changes. Instead of saying, “You must always do your homework at 5 PM, no exceptions,” you might say:
“We usually do homework around 5 PM, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, we can adjust.”
This approach still provides structure and expectations, but it also acknowledges that some days will require adjustments based on capacity.
Other ways to increase predictability without enforcing rigidity include:
- Using visual schedules that allow for flexibility.
- Providing transitions and warnings before changing tasks.
- Offering choices to help children feel in control within a predictable framework.
Responsive Parenting Honours Neurodivergent Needs
According to Dr Ross Greene, “A good parent is responsive to the hand they were dealt”. Instead of prioritizing consistency for the sake of it, neurodivergent kids benefit from responsive parenting—one that adapts to their needs while maintaining a sense of safety and predictability. This means:
- Adjusting expectations based on your child’s energy and regulation level.
- Meeting them where they are, rather than where you wish they were.
- Creating a home environment that supports their well-being rather than forcing compliance.
By shifting from rigid consistency to predictability with flexibility, we send the message that our children’s needs are valid and that they are not “wrong” or “failing” when their capacity changes. We honour their neurodivergence instead of trying to force them into neurotypical norms.
The Danger of Enforcing Rigid Consistency for Children in Burnout
Neurodivergent children in burnout have even less capacity to meet expectations. Their nervous system is in survival mode, meaning that tasks that were already challenging may become completely impossible without significant support. Rigid consistency assumes that children are choosing not to comply, rather than struggling with fluctuating energy, sensory needs, or emotional regulation. (Dr Stuart Shanker)
Forcing consistency during burnout can:
- Worsened shutdowns and meltdowns due to overwhelm.
- Lead to masking and fawning behaviors, which increase stress and trauma.
- Prolong recovery, as the child is not getting the rest and flexibility they need to rebuild their capacity.
Instead, parents should prioritize radical rest, reduced demands, and co-regulation over maintaining past expectations. Healing from burnout requires flexibility, not forced consistency.
Parenting While Neurodivergent: Your Capacity Matters Too
If you’re a neurodivergent parent, the pressure to be consistently patient, responsive, and regulated can feel overwhelming. Just like your child, your capacity also fluctuates. You may have days when you’re able to co-regulate with ease—and others when your own sensory or executive functioning struggles make it much harder.
Instead of striving for perfection, try:
- Giving yourself grace on low-capacity days.
- Building in rest and recovery time so you’re not constantly running on empty.
- Using tools and accommodations that make parenting easier (timers, visual schedules, or co-regulation strategies).
Your ability to show up as the parent you want to be will vary, and that’s okay. Modeling self-compassion and flexibility for your child teaches them that they, too, can honour their needs.
Final Thoughts
When we tell parents of neurodivergent kids to “be consistent,” we’re often asking them to ignore their child’s natural fluctuations in capacity. This is ableist because it assumes all children have equal and stable energy, regulation, and ability to meet demands, which simply isn’t true for neurodivergent kids.
Instead, let’s advocate for attuned, responsive, and flexible parenting—one that prioritizes predictability over rigidity, support over compliance, and connection over control.
Need support in shifting away from rigid expectations and building a more sustainable approach to parenting that honours your child’s recovery from burnout? Join From Burnout to Balance, my membership designed for parents of neurodivergent kids. You don’t have to do this alone. Join us here!
Reference List
- Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. – The Explosive Child – Focuses on collaborative problem-solving instead of rigid behavioral expectations.
- Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. – Beyond Behaviors – Explores how neurodivergent children’s behaviors are signals of underlying needs.
- Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson – The Whole-Brain Child – Explains the neuroscience behind emotional regulation and the importance of flexibility.
- Stuart Shanker, Ph.D. – Self-Reg – Teaches parents how to recognize stressors and adjust expectations based on a child’s regulatory capacity.
- Neurodivergent Insights (by Dr. Megan Anna Neff, Psy.D.) – Understanding the Neurodivergent Brain – Breaks down neurodivergent experiences, executive functioning, and capacity challenges.
Articles & Online Resources
- Dr. Ross Greene’s Website: Lives in the Balance – Offers resources on collaborative and proactive solutions.
- Mona Delahooke’s Blog & Resources: monadelahooke.com
- Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN): autisticadvocacy.org – Provides neurodiversity-affirming resources.
- The Neurodivergent Insights Blog: neurodivergentinsights.com – Research-based insights on executive functioning and nervous system regulation.
The Person Who Wrote This Blog
Hi, I’m Tanya Valentin, an AuDHD parent, family coach, author, and podcaster. I guide parents of Autistic and ADHD kids through burnout recovery using a neuro-affirming, trauma-informed approach.
As a parent of three autistic teens, I know firsthand how isolating and exhausting this journey can be. That’s why I created From Burnout to Balance, a space where parents can find real, practical answers to help their child recover from burnout and a supportive community—so no parent has to navigate it alone.
