Kinkeeping—the unseen work of holding a family together—often falls on one person. It’s the planning, the remembering, and the emotional labour that keeps family connections alive. For many parents, especially mothers, kinkeeping becomes another full-time job.
Now imagine juggling this load while caring for a neurodivergent child in burnout. It’s like trying to balance an already heavy tray while someone keeps piling on more plates.
In this blog, we’ll unpack the challenges of kinkeeping, why setting boundaries can feel so difficult, and how to reclaim space for what truly matters: supporting your child and protecting your own mental health.
What Is Kinkeeping?
The Invisible Labor of Kinkeeping
Kinkeeping, a term first coined by sociologist Carolyn Rosenthal (McMaster University, 1985) is the behind-the-scenes work that keeps families running smoothly. It includes:
- Remembering birthdays and anniversaries.
- Coordinating holidays, vacations, and family gatherings.
- Keeping family traditions alive.
- Sending updates and maintaining connections between relatives.
- Mediating conflicts and managing family dynamics.
The role of kinkeeping is often passed from mother to daughter and comes with unspoken rules and expectations.
For neurodivergent families, kinkeeping often involves even more layers, like explaining your child’s needs to relatives or managing others’ expectations about what your family “should” do.
A recurring challenge for kin keepers is the lack of recognition for their work. This “invisible labour” often goes unappreciated, contributing to feelings of being undervalued or taken for granted. For parents juggling kin keeping with supporting a neurodivergent child, this invisibility can exacerbate stress and undermine mental well-being – designdash.com
My Personal Experience as a Kinkeeper
As the eldest of three daughters, I was taught from a young age how to be the perfect hostess. It was an expectation I carried into adulthood without question.
When my kids were little, I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect ‘Pinterest mom.’ For every birthday, I would spend months meticulously planning—handmaking decorations, crafting themed treats, and baking elaborate cakes from scratch.
Guests would always compliment me on how amazing the parties were. But what they didn’t see was the other side of it. I was an undiagnosed AuDHDer, and those beautiful events came at a cost. There were weeks of hyperfocus leading up to the big day, often at the expense of my basic needs. The frantic, last-minute cleaning because, on any other day, my house was a disaster. And the inevitable burnout that followed once it was all over. The same cycle repeated for Christmas and every other celebration.
Now, I can’t help but worry that I’ve unintentionally passed down these impossible kinkeeping standards to my children.
The Kinkeeping Struggle During Burnout
Competing Priorities
When your child is in burnout, their recovery becomes your focus. But the rest of the world doesn’t always pause. Family members might still expect you to host holiday dinners, attend events, or keep traditions alive.
When my daughter was in burnout, I felt an overwhelming guilt whenever I said ‘no’ or stepped back from my kinkeeping responsibilities.
My husband and I often had to divide and conquer—one of us attending events with some of our children while the other stayed home with our child in burnout. It was such a shift from what we were used to, as we’d always attended these events together before.
Balancing your child’s immediate needs with external demands can leave you feeling torn and overwhelmed.
Emotional Overload
Kinkeeping isn’t just physical work; it’s deeply emotional. You might find yourself trying to manage your child’s needs while also soothing a relative upset that you’re skipping the family reunion this year.
Lack of Understanding from Others
One of the hardest parts of kinkeeping while parenting through burnout is feeling like others don’t “get it.” Family might see your decisions as overprotective or unreasonable, or give you the “in my day” speech, adding an extra layer of guilt to an already heavy load.
The Unique Struggles for Women of Color
For women of colour, kinkeeping often carries additional layers of cultural expectations and systemic pressures.
Many are seen as the “glue” holding their families together, balancing traditional roles with the challenges of navigating racism and economic disparities. When parenting an Autistic child, this weight can feel even heavier. The stigma around autism in some BIPOC communities, delays in diagnosis, and lack of culturally affirming support add to the emotional and physical toll.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard for Kinkeepers
Many parents of neurodivergent children are often advised to set boundaries during the holidays. However, this is something that is often easier said than done, for many complex reasons.
Many kinkeepers are in caregiving roles which can have a strong relationship with pleasing others.
Bringing together two sets of extended families with differing values is tricky and can cause conflict between partners. Depending on your upbringing, culture, expectations about parenting and gender roles many of us have a precarious relationship with boundary settings.
My Personal Journey with Boundaries
I’m a recovering people pleaser, and it’s a behaviour that has brought me so much self-anger, shame, and resentment toward others over the years.
When I learned about fawning as a survival response, it was like a lightbulb went off. It finally made sense. Looking back, I can see that as an undiagnosed AuDHDer in my childhood, I took on the role of peacekeeper. I worked hard to regulate the emotions of those around me because that’s how I found safety in my environment.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial yet challenging for kin keepers, especially during demanding times like the holiday season. Many individuals struggle with the need to make others approve of their boundaries, which can make boundary-setting feel harder than it should. For those who grew up feeling responsible for others’ emotions, learning to set boundaries without seeking approval is essential for mental health. Recognizing that other people’s discomfort is not your responsibility can be a powerful step toward self-care and effective boundary-setting – designdash.com
The Boundary Misconception
Here’s where many of us go wrong with boundaries: we think setting and holding a boundary means we also have to make people like our boundaries. Spoiler: you don’t.
Your job is to set and hold the boundary—not to convince others it’s a good idea.
The Fear of Disapproval
For those of us raised to believe we’re responsible for others’ feelings, this is where boundaries get tricky. If someone is upset or disapproves of our decision, it can feel like danger—like we’ve failed or put ourselves at risk of rejection.
But here’s the truth: you’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to prioritize your child’s recovery and your family’s mental health. Other people’s feelings are not your responsibility.
Learning to Sit with Discomfort
Sometimes, setting boundaries means sitting with the discomfort of others’ disappointment or anger. It’s not easy, but it gets easier with practice. And here’s the silver lining: when you hold firm, you model self-respect and self-advocacy for your child.
For myself, learning to set boundaries—and to feel safe enough to sit with the discomfort of others’ disapproval—is an ongoing journey. One quote by Glennon Doyle has stuck with me throughout this process:
“A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.”
Practical Tips for Managing Kinkeeping During Burnout
Delegate and Simplify
You don’t have to do it all. Consider:
- Letting someone else host family gatherings.
- Skipping traditions that feel too overwhelming.
- Choosing low-effort ways to stay connected, like a group text or a casual video call.
Communicate Clearly and Early
Set expectations with family ahead of time. For example:
“We’re focusing on a quiet season to support [child’s name] and our family’s needs. We won’t be able to [host, travel, etc.], but we’d love to connect in a way that works for everyone.”
Protect Time for Your Family
Create space for low-demand, meaningful moments at home. Whether it’s baking cookies together, watching a favourite movie, playing video games together or simply resting, these small acts can feel more nourishing than any big tradition.
A Pep Talk for Kin Keepers
If you’re feeling stretched thin, let this be your reminder: you don’t have to be everything to everyone. Kinkeeping doesn’t mean sacrificing your well-being or your child’s needs to meet family expectations.
Kin keeping is not just about maintaining traditions but also about fostering familial solidarity and emotional well-being. However, when the burden becomes too heavy, it can strain relationships and lead to feelings of isolation. A more inclusive approach to kin keeping, which involves chosen family or friends, can help create a healthier support network – psychologytoday.com
You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to prioritize what matters most. And while it might feel uncomfortable to hold boundaries at first, it’s one of the most loving things you can do—for your child, your family, and yourself.
Wrapping It Up
Kinkeeping is hard work, especially when you’re also parenting a neurodivergent child in burnout. But you don’t have to carry the entire load—or make everyone happy.
This season, focus on what feels meaningful and manageable. Set boundaries that protect your family’s peace, even if others don’t fully understand. And remember: you’re doing enough.
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References
https://designdash.com/2024/05/12/what-is-kinkeeping-how-can-it-impact-womens-mental-health/
Tanya Valentin is an AuDHD person, mum of three, family coach, author and podcaster.
Tanya is an educator/coach with 25 years of experience working with children and families. She specialises in guiding parents of Autistic & ADHD children and teens through burnout recovery.
She is the founder of the Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery program for parents and the host of the Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Together podcast.
Tanya’s work combines education, emotional support, and practical strategies, reflecting her commitment to helping families create sustainable, connected relationships during difficult times.
Need support? Book a FREE 30-minute call with Tanya
