A tender look at grieving parenting expectations, change and the radical acceptance of who your neurodivergent child is becoming after burnout.
There’s a question I hear often, though it’s rarely spoken aloud:
“Will my child ever go back to how they were before burnout?”
It’s such a tender, raw question. And underneath it is often a deep grief—grief for the child we thought we knew, for the ease that once was, for the milestones that once felt within reach.
But here’s the truth, spoken gently and with love:
For Autistic, ADHD, and PDA children, burnout doesn’t just exhaust them—it often unmasks them, too.
What we saw before burnout may have been our child in survival mode.
Pushing through.
People-pleasing.
Masking distress.
That version of them may have looked “okay” on the outside, but it came at a steep internal cost.
The Impact of Burnout
So when burnout hits and the mask falls away, it can feel like we’ve lost our child.
But what if what we’re really seeing—sometimes for the first time—is who they are underneath it all?
The child who can’t push through anymore.
The child who needs rest, safety, and radically different expectations.
The child who is no longer willing—or able—to hide their disability to make others comfortable.
That child isn’t broken.
They’re burned out.
And here’s the part that’s tender to hold:
They may never go back to how they were before.
Because maybe what looks like a child stuck in burnout…
is actually us, waiting for their masked, coping self to return.
But they are not stuck.
They are becoming.
They can heal. They can grow. They can slowly rebuild trust in themselves and the world around them.
But not by becoming their pre-burnout self. By becoming more fully, authentically themselves.
So maybe the question to hold isn’t:
“Will they go back?”
But instead:
- Who are they becoming now?
- What do they need to feel safe, seen, and supported?
- What masks have fallen, and what truths are rising in their place?
Embracing Radical Acceptance of the Child That Is, While Grieving Our Parenting Expectations
Radical acceptance means facing reality without resistance.
It’s not about liking the reality or giving up hope—it’s about releasing the internal struggle against what is.
Radical acceptance says:
“This is who my child is right now. This is how burnout has changed them. I don’t have to agree with it, but I can stop fighting it.”
That shift alone can ease so much suffering for both parent and child.
Neurodivergence Is a Disability—And That Matters
Autism, ADHD, PDA—these are real, lifelong neurodevelopmental differences. They shape how your child experiences the world and how the world treats them.
Burnout is more likely, more intense, and often longer-lasting because of this.
Framing neurodivergence as a disability isn’t negative.
It’s about recognizing needs, limitations, and rights.
It’s about understanding the world isn’t built for them—and that our role is not to change who they are, but to adapt the world around them as much as we can.
The goal isn’t to overcome neurodivergence.
It’s to support your child in living well with it.
It Helps Us Stop Waiting and Start Showing Up
So many parents wait—sometimes unconsciously—for their child to go back to being who they were before burnout.
But radical acceptance says:
“My child may never go back. And that’s not a failure—it’s just a new path.”
When we stop waiting for a past version of our child, we can finally show up for the child who is here now.
Your Child Isn’t Lost. They’re Still Becoming.
Burnout changes a person, yes—but it can also uncover who they really are beneath the layers of masking, people-pleasing, and pushing through.
Recovery isn’t about going back.
It’s about going deeper.
And that means discovering new strengths, new limits, new interests, and new ways of being in the world.
It Allows Grief and Love to Coexist
Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you stop grieving.
It means you give yourself permission to grieve—without getting stuck there.
You can mourn the ease you’ve lost and still embrace the connection that’s possible now.
You can let go of old expectations and still hold fierce love for your child exactly as they are.
It’s an Act of Deep Compassion—Toward Your Child and Yourself
When you radically accept your child’s burnout, disability, and needs, you stop trying to fix them or fit them into neurotypical molds.
And when you accept your own emotional reactions—grief, frustration, guilt, fear—you stop trying to parent from perfection and start parenting from presence.
It Opens the Door to Genuine Connection
Because your child doesn’t need you to rescue them from who they are.
They need you to see them.
To believe them.
To stop comparing them to a past version—and love them in the fullness of the present.
Reflection Prompts for Parents Who are Grieving Their Parenting Expectations
If you are ready to go deeper and unpack this thought for yourself, I offer you the following questions for reflection:
Am I hoping for my pre-burnout child to come back—or am I ready to meet the child in front of me, just as they are now?
Write about:
- What parts of your child do you miss or long for?
- What has your child shown you about who they are now, after burnout?
- What feelings come up when you imagine accepting that burnout has changed them—and might have changed your parenting journey too?
- What might it feel like to fully accept and support who they are becoming, even if it’s different from what you expected?
It’s okay to grieve.
It’s okay to wish things felt easier.
But it’s also okay to move forward, together, without needing to go back.
Navigating Grief and Change
One of life’s quietest, hardest truths is this: everything we love will change.
Everything we hold dear is in a constant state of becoming, shifting, ending, and beginning again.
Our children, simply by being in our lives, illuminate the places within us where love didn’t quite reach.
They touch the tender spots where we longed for life to unfold a certain way—but it didn’t.
They stir the aching spaces where we are still healing, still hoping, still holding pain.
And maybe—just maybe—this is the quiet invitation of life, of love, of parenting.
Perhaps it’s the fleeting, fragile nature of things that gives love its depth.
Perhaps it’s the impermanence of it all that makes our love feel so urgent, so sacred, so real.
If this resonates deeply…
If you’re carrying the weight of this grief, this love, this not-knowing—
Please know you don’t have to hold it all alone.
These feelings can be heavy, confusing, and sometimes overwhelming to sort through on your own. But there is support here for you.
Whether you’re looking for 1:1 guidance to help you navigate your child’s burnout with more clarity and confidence,
or you’d like to feel held within a warm, understanding community inside my membership, From Burnout to Balance, I’m here.
There’s space for your questions.
Space for your grief.
And space to breathe again.
Space for you to be held during this time of releasing and becoming.
You don’t have to figure it all out before reaching out. Just begin where you are.
You’re welcome to contact me here or learn more about the membership here.
I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.
With tenderness and care,
Tanya
The Person Who Wrote This Blog
Hi, I’m Tanya Valentin, an AuDHD parent, family coach, author, and podcaster. I guide parents of Autistic and ADHD kids through burnout recovery using a neuro-affirming, trauma-informed approach.
As a parent of three autistic teens, I know firsthand how isolating and exhausting this journey can be. That’s why I created From Burnout to Balance, a space where parents can find real, practical answers to help their child recover from burnout and a supportive community—so no parent has to navigate it alone.
